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Here’s a hard truth: you cannot truly love yourself if you’ve never truly been loved, especially not just in your strongest moments but in your most broken ones.
Self-love is learned the same way we learn any kind of love—by being loved first.
Neurologically, our brains wire for love through real experiences. That wiring happens when someone is present with us, attuned to us, and emotionally safe.
But when those moments are missing, our nervous systems don’t learn “I am loved.” Instead, they learn things like “I’m too much,” “I’m unworthy,” or “I have to earn love.” That is where the enemy sneaks in. He partners with pain to reinforce those lies.
So even when we surround ourselves with identity language or try to force self-love, we hit a wall. Because love isn’t something you can manufacture. It is something you have to receive and feel.
Here is what no one tells you: the enemy may use people to wound you, but God uses people to show you His love.
Healing begins when someone sees your shame, your fear, your mess, and stays.
If you have been chasing self-love through self-improvement, identity ministries, or anything that promises a quick fix, I want to gently tell you this is not healing. It is performance. And you can’t love yourself through effort.
You can only truly love yourself once you have been loved in the places you thought made you unlovable.
As Scripture reminds ua, "We love because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19.
So maybe the question isn’t, “Why can’t I love myself?” Maybe it is, “Where have I still not let love in?”
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