Try this the next time you are triggered.

Here is a simple, four-step tool you can use the next time you find yourself in a trauma response.

Before I explain it, let me share a personal story to give it context.

At a recent family gathering, I found myself at the kitchen sink, ruminating. “They all get to have fun while I cook and clean. The only reason they can enjoy themselves is because I’m the responsible one. Why is it always on me to do everything?”

As I listened to my family laughing in the background, I washed dishes and moved laundry into the dryer. My internal frustration kept rising.

Because of the work I’ve done in my story, I now have greater awareness that this is one of my default reactions to pain—taking on more responsibility.

The truth was, I had a choice to join them and play. But I wasn’t choosing that.

My decision to stay busy and avoid connection felt urgent and impulsive. I’ve had many moments where serving brought joy and peace. This wasn’t one of them.

The question was, why?

This is where the 4-step tool comes in. Remember A,B,C, and D.

These four steps are my take on a similar practice that I read years ago in Marilee Adams' book, "Change Your Questions, Change Your Life." 

A - Awareness

This is the moment you notice what you're experiencing.

At the sink, I slowed down and paid attention to what was happening in my body. My heart was racing, my jaw was tight, I was avoiding eye contact. My tone was sharp. If my emotions had colors, my head would’ve been bright red with anger, my stomach twisted with confusion, and my heart cold and blue—guarded and judgmental.

B - Break & Breath

This is when you give yourself space to name and feel what you're experiencing.

I stepped away into the bathroom.

I took deep breaths and prayed, “Holy Spirit, I’m upset! I feel disregarded, resentful, and I’m defaulting to old patterns to feel secure and resentful."

C - Curiosity & Compassion

This is when you stop and acknowledge the story underneath the reactions.

Warning, this step is difficult, maybe even impossible, without doing the work of engaging your personal story.

If we don’t know the deeper narratives shaping our reactions, it’s nearly impossible to move forward with clarity. Most people skip this step, but transformation is found here.

Curiosity and compassion always bring context and a course redirection. 

In my experience at the kitchen sink, I reflected on the days leading up to this moment. Conversations about family frustrations. The joy and pressure of a full house. The way my mom was working hard to create a good experience and one specific family member who was committed to do anything but enjoy themselves. I saw how my old story was resurfacing.

That clarity allowed me to hold compassion for why I was reacting the way I was and choose a different way forward.

D - Decide

This is when you move from impulsive reaction to intentional response.

Again, without knowing where you typically go to avoid the feelings you don't want to feel, this step will come with greater resistance. For me, when I come up against familiar grief that leaves me spiraling like this, I know my go-to response is to isolate. As a result, repentance will always look like vulnerability, connection, and letting my weakness be named and cared for. 

I needed time to settle and pray without anyone else's help, but I also knew I couldn’t isolate. I asked my husband to go on a walk with me after everyone left. I told him I needed to cry and wanted him nearby. Just to be there.

That’s what he did. I didn’t need to spiral into gossip or bitterness. I needed to grieve with God and someone safe so I could release what I couldn’t control.

After the walk I felt lighter. The rest of the evening, I was present. No longer ruminating or overextending. I could just be.

This is a small picture of what it looks like to engage your story with God’s truth, the Holy Spirit’s presence, and an understanding of how your body and brain process emotion. The goal isn’t to never be triggered. It’s to know how to respond in a way that deepens the love and freedom only God provides.

Tori
Freedom Coach & Director of Marketing & Strategy