The missing piece to healing self sabotage

I often joke that my life could be measured by 30-day challenges. Since 7th grade, I learned I could gain a sense of control and favor through setting goals and committing to the process to achieve them. It’s been almost five years since God interrupted my life of restless productivity for Him to invite me into deeper intimacy with Him. On day 65 of a perfectly executed 75-day hard fitness challenge in the fall of 2020, I found myself sitting in the back room of Freedom Movement’s 3-day trauma-informed coaching training called Freedom Academy. I thought I was just going to receive tips on how to be a better coach and grow my health and wellness business. By the end of the three days, I sat in the back of the room weeping, knowing I was caught in a crossroad.

Will I choose the familiar road of performance for God? Or will I repent and follow God on a narrow road that leads to life in the secret place?

In the words of Jesus, “Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” I wanted to find the life I had longed for but the price was costly.

What followed was a journey of discovering that true freedom can’t be earned or proved through impressive exploits in the name of Jesus, but through proximity to Him. I had to grieve the story that shaped my false beliefs about God and learn a new way of living that, at least at first, felt very disorienting. Who am I to God apart from what I do for Him? I was a good goal setter and go-getter for God. But I had no frame of reference for what worshiping through practices like rest, delight, play, contemplative prayer, solitude, creativity, or wonder looked like. It was like writing with my left hand—clumsy, frustrating, and slow. Brutally slow.

I didn't know it at the time, but what I was searching for through these cycles of self-sabotaging behavior was safety.

My impulsive reaction to discomfort is to chase the new—to create, produce, innovate, and get moving. When motivated by love, this is a gift. When motivated by fear, it’s a trauma response. Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference. Creating a new business plan, hitting a Monday with motivation, and beginning a new challenge of some kind made my body come alive with a sense of purpose. It gave me tangible evidence I was growing. But the real question was, why did I feel the need to prove anything in the first place? Until I answered that question, the lack of thrill that came with a secret and slow perseverance made me crawl out of my skin searching for a new goal that made me feel alive again. 

Gaining a trauma-informed approach to your work and passions is simple – it’s intricately knowing the story that has shaped your behavior and where you go to find safety apart from God. If you don’t know the story, grieve the story, and invite the love of God in to redeem the story, you will remain bound to false loyalty that ultimately leads you to live in cycles of behavior modification.

This is the focus of the Work from Worth mentorship program Karrie and I lead. Using story work, coaching, Biblical teaching, and spiritual formation practices – we guide women along a journey of discovering how to work from worth rather than working for it. We still have six more spots available for our Spring Mentorship program beginning in March 2025. Apply today and I would love to meet with you on zoom to discuss if it’s the right fit!

With love and hope, 

Tori
Freedom Coach & Director of Marketing & Strategy